by Jeffrey Song

Figure 1A

Figure 1A

Dear Internet,

It’s hard enough to deal with heartbreak, to have your tender beating heart ripped straight out of your chest, torn to bite sized pieces, and shoved into a Blendtec blender set to “Pureed Despair,” to be made to suck that thick smoothie of remorse and self pity through the world’s thinnest straw (Will It Blend? Yes. Yes it will). See figure 1A.

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And it is depressing enough as it is living in this modern world of ours, what with our increasing dependency on technology, forever disconnecting our already fragile relationships with one another and trapping us in a suffocating and isolating incubator that is the warm glow of our computer monitors.
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What I’ve discovered to be the source of this general malaise of digital living are Internet ads. Yes, I’ve said it. Internet ads are at the center of our crisis with modern digital living. By processing mountains of personal data, enabling those trillions of bits and bites to flash through our fiber optic cables at the speed of 1.21 Gigawatts and churn out personalized marketing, Ad companies can strike at our deepest insecurities, as demonstrated by the following ads.*
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tireddepressedbreakup
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* Institute of Drew’s Unfounded and Uneducated Assumptions
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Yes, Lance Armstrong, I am tired of feeling tired. And yes, depressionscreening.org, I am feeling depressed. And yes, I did just break up. But I don’t need the Internet to remind me of this fact while I’m trying to look up the recipe for chicken enchiladas. Yes, I realize I’m recalculating the servings from two to one, but I certainly don’t need to be reminded of that.

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Figure 1B

Figure 1B

But maybe I’m the only one who gets personalized ads that reaffirm my patheticness. Maybe everyone else out there surfing on the Internet has ads that ask “Too Happy? We can help!” or “Have Too Much Money and Want More? Click Here!” or “Overburdened With Too Many Meaningful and Lasting Relationships?” See figure 1B.

Perhaps I’m just too cynical. I should fix my attitude. Maybe these advertisements that seem to understand me to the core are not strictly for profit, but are trying to actually help me. After all, Internet, you know me so well. From now on, I will take to heart what you tell me.
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pickupInternet, I will put my skepticism aside and I will learn your “Pick Up Lines For Men” so that I can “Meet beautiful women” and “Never feel lonely again.” I have never been too keen on pick up lines or much of a believer in their effectiveness, but since you’re promising me a lifetime of companionship…
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asiangirls
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Yes, I do like Asian girls… I guess? I mean, I don’t really care about the ethnicity of whoever –
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spermdonors
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Look, I know I’m in a tight financial situation, but I don’t know about selling my boys –
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laserhair
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Laser hair removal. Do I really need that? I’m not that hairy as it is. But I guess if this is going to help me…
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asiangf
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What is with these ads? Really, why is there such an obsession with Asian girls? I don’t think you really know me at all, Internet. I think it’s time you and I talked –
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HAHA, holy shit, look at that, cats on a treadmill! Oh Internet, I’m sorry I ever doubted our relationship. You truly do understand me.

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Sincerely,

Drew

Concerned Internet Citizen

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